Lauri Przybysz, MS Ed
ACT, Christian Family Movement, June 2003

An amazing couple we know, let’s call them Sam and Winny, just celebrated 40 years of marriage. They amaze me because they are still together after many challenges and hardships that would have ended many a marriage. They have truly had their ups and downs. They liked to joke around, though often the barbs they traded did some damage. Their four children were a handful to raise. One son struggled with drugs, another suffered serious depression. Their youngest, now in her 30’s, is moderately mentally challenged and will always live with them. The economy of their small town took a nosedive in the 80’s. They separated for a year then, after Sam had an affair. A Retrouvaille weekend, designed to help troubled marriages, was instrumental to their healing. They are “marriage survivors”.

Linda Waite, a University of Chicago sociologist headed a research team that studied what helps unhappy marrieds turn things around. As part of the study, the research team asked professional firms to recruit focus groups totaling 55 adults who were "marriage survivors." All had moved from unhappy to happy marriages. These 55 once-discontented marrieds felt their unions got better via one of three routes, the report says:

• Marital endurance. "With time, job situations improved, children got older or better, or chronic ongoing problems got put into new perspective." In this case, partners did not work on their marriages.
• Marital work. Spouses actively worked "to solve problems, change behavior or improve communication." Those who worked on their marriages rarely turned to counselors. When they did, they went to faith-based ones committed to marriage, Waite says. Men, particularly, were "very suspicious of anyone who wanted money to solve personal problems."
• Personal change. Partners found "alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage." In effect, the unhappy partner changed.

The study found that those who stayed married also generally disapproved of divorce, Waite says. They cited concerns about children, religious beliefs and a fear that divorce would bring its own set of problems.

All couples experience some ups and downs in marriage, seasons of both mild and stormy weather. For some couples, especially in the early years, this emotional rhythm often oscillates dramatically. A couple might experience an extended period in which everything feels just right about their relationship: fewer arguments, intimacy, understanding come easily, temptations and distractions are few. This may be followed by period of difficulty and turmoil. The challenge all marriages face is to enjoy the good times and weather the hard times.

Faith plays a part in their success, but marriage survivors may have discovered a deeper well of support. In his new book on the spirituality of marriage, Richard R.Gaillardetz, A Daring Promise, (Crossroad Publishing, 2002), says that successful married couples foster a life of communion: mutuality, intimacy, companionship. “A distinguishing mark of mature, successful marriages is a gradual diminishment of such dramatic swings in the mood of the relationship. The trust gained from negotiating their common commitment levels out to some extent the seasonal rhythms of their marriage. The result is gentler peaks and valleys.”

For more information on the Retrouvaille experience for troubled marriages, visit retrouvaille.org.