-- Lauri Przybysz, MS Ed
Christian Family Movement, ACT, May 2004

The Catholic Church calls today’s husbands and wives into a partnership of equal dignity and value. Follow the Way of Love, the US Bishops’ pastoral letter to families (1994) calls couples to honor the different gifts and abilities each brings to the marriage. “True equality, understood as mutuality, is not measuring out tasks (who prepares the meals, who supervises homework, and so forth) or maintaining an orderly schedule. It thrives at a much deeper level where the power of the spirit resides. Here, the grace of the vowed life not only makes the shedding of willfulness possible, but also leads to a joyful willingness.” (p. 20)

While many husbands understand this call to mutuality and equal authority in marriage, others believe in a concept based on another reading of the Bible, usually called “husband headship”. “Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5: 21-25) is a reading that couples heard this reading at their weddings. Many may have misunderstood it to be a call for husbands to dominate their wives and treat them as subordinates. They would define biblical headship this way: In relation to his wife, the husband is called by God to provide the spiritual leadership and to have the final say when necessary, in decision making. Further, this concept claims that it is the responsibility of the wife to accept and respond to this leadership role of her husband. This reading of scripture has long been a cultural norm, and my Christian couples successfully base their marriages on it.

One problem with this concept is that husband headship can have a dark side. Religion has often been misinterpreted to say that women must submit to their husbands even if they are abusive. Abused women often say, "I can't leave this relationship. The Bible says it would be wrong." Abusive men often say, "The Bible says my wife should be submissive to me." They take the biblical text and distort it to support their right to batter. Catholic teaching says, “Marriage must never be a struggle for control.” (FWL, 19)

In another recent statement, When I Call for Help, the United States Catholic Bishops condemn the use of the Bible to support abusive behavior in any form. They state clearly that a correct reading of Scripture leads people to an understanding of the equal dignity of men and women and to relationships baed on mutuality and love. “Beginning with Genesis, Scripture teaches that women and men are created in God's image. Jesus himself always respected the human dignity of women.”

Men who abuse often use Ephesians 5:22, taken out of context, to justify their behavior, but the passage (v. 21-33) refers to the mutual submission of husband and wife out of love for Christ. Pope John Paul II reminds us that "Christ's way of acting, the Gospel of his words and deeds, is a consistent protest against whatever offends the dignity of women." In his teaching on The Theology of the Body, he says that the overall message and thrust of the Gospels is calling men and women to a new kind of equal partnership. He references other places in Scripture where women are required to be veiled in church, not permitted to speak at public services, and only limited to asking questions of their husbands in private. When did you last hear someone suggesting we return to following those rules, evn though they are clearly in Scripture?

While women are most often the victims of abuse, these behaviors should not be a part of the way husbands and wives relate to one another:

• Using Intimidation: destroying property; smashing things; abusing pets; displaying weapons
• Using emotional abuse: Putting you down; calling you names; humiliating you
• Using Isolation: controlling what you do, who you see and talk to, where you go
• Using children: threatening to take the children away; using the children to relay messages
• Using economic abuse: Preventing you from getting or keeping a job; making you ask for money; not letting you know about family income.
• Using coercion and threats: Threatening to leave or commit suicide, involving you in illegal activities. (Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth Minnesota, 218-722-4134)

The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to locl service providers. Call 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TTY). E-mail assistance is available at ndvh@ndvh.org.