The issues of Alcohol, Drug and Physical Abuse will not apply to every couple but must be addressed.

Simply raising the issue during marriage preparation may lead an individual or a couple to seek assistance.

Be Available to Talk: Make it clear that either of the couple is welcome to contact you privately if he or she needs help. He or she may need to reach out individually.

Give both partners your phone number as part of your ordinary hospitality to facilitate this private contact.

Refer: You are not obliged to intervene personally.Your role is one of referral. See RESOURCES FOR REFERRALS for more contacts.

VIOLENCE HAS NO PLACE IN MARRIAGE

In Isaiah 43, God says, "I created you, and formed you . . . and called you by name: you are mine . . . You are precious in my eyes and glorious, and . . . I love you." Because you are precious in God's sight, then you owe it to God who loves you, to reject any abusive treatment, regardless of the kind or type of abuse. — When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence against Women, USCCB.

The American Catholic Bishops, in their pastoral statement, When I Call For Help, roundly condemn the use of the Bible to condone abuse. Scripture, correctly interpreted, calls us to relationships based on mutuality and love.

TYPES OF DOMESTIC ABUSE

Physical Abuse
An act such as hitting or slapping with the hand or striking with another object, resulting in an injury as minor as a bruise or as devastating as death.

Emotional Abuse
Acts of emotional abuse include threatening the partner, the partner's children and/or pets, and forcing the victim to watch while his/her pet is harmed or killed.

This kind of abuse may be more harmful than physical because the wound does not heal as quickly as cuts or bruises.

Psychological Abuse
The psychological abuser attacks his/her victim's self-worth, telling him/her they are stupid, ugly, can't do anything right.

This undermines the victim's self-confidence and increases the dependence on the abuser and maintains dominance and control over the victim.

Sexual Abuse
The acts may be verbal — making demeaning remarks or jokes about men/women or saying suggestive things, or behavioral — involving marital or date rape, sadistic sexual acts, pornography, or insistence on sexual acts (including the wearing of certain clothing) that the victim finds distasteful.

Economic Abuse
Isolates the spouse financially; he/she is forbidden to work outside the home, kept on an allowance, or denied any access to or knowledge about family finances.

INSIGHTS INTO PHYSICAL ABUSE

Physical abuse happens among all classes and races, regardless of their income, occupation and education levels. Responses to the FOCCUS inventory may disclose that one or both partners see this as a problem. Make it clear that help is available.

It is more serious and widespread than many realize. The physical abuser can be that "nice guy or gal" who lives next door.

Violence in the home usually becomes more frequent and serious over time. It is part of an escalating pattern that begins with threats, insults, explosive tempers, and attempts to isolate or overpower the other.

Children from violent homes learn to regard violence as an acceptable means of control and a normal way of responding to disappointment and frustration. When they grow up, these children are very likely to become either victims of abuse or abusers themselves.

• One out of every four women in this country suffer from some kind of violence at the hands of her husband or boyfriend.
• Women kill men at approximately the same rate as men kill women in "spousal" homicides. (David Garrod, Purdue University, 1994)
• A woman is abused in the United States every fifteen seconds.
• Of every 100 families, 3.8 experience severe husband-to-wife violence - but 4.5 experience severe wife-to-husband violence.
• More women are injured by physical abuse, or battering, than by car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
• When children are murdered, 61% of the time it is by the mother. (Murder in Families, Dept. of Justice, July 1994).
• Very few will tell anyone about the abuse - not a friend, a relative, a neighbor or the police.
• Victims of domestic violence come from all walks of life - all cultures, all income groups, all ages, all religions.
• All share feelings of helplessness, isolation, guilt, fear and shame.
• All hope it won't happen again, but it often does.

PREVIOUS OR CURRENT SEXUAL ABUSE

Previous traumatic sexual experiences (rape, molestation, etc.) can cause difficulty building intimacy with the current spouse.

Contacts are also listed in REFERENCES FOR REFERRALS in the event that one of the partners should confide in you about these issues.

Alcohol & Drugs

Abuse of substances is a deep-seated problem which will not go away by itself. Especially if their FOCCUS indicates that this is an issue for a couple, the marriage preparation leader can help them begin to deal with it now.