Pastoral Care of Cohabiting Couples

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Marriage preparation is a "teachable moment" for couples. Along with their priest or deacon, the leader couples inform the couple about the implications of living together before marriage.

It may be helpful to the marriage preparation leaders to prepare some ways of expressing the Church's concerns in a sensitive way. Here are some suggestions:

"We want your marriage to last forever."
"Human reason leads one to see that ('trial marriages') are unacceptable, by showing the unconvincing nature of carrying out an 'experiment' with human beings, whose dignity demands that they should be always and solely the term of a self-giving love without limitations of time or of an other circumstance." (John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio, 80, 1984)

"We believe that you want to honor the essential commitments of marriage in the Lord."
Express confidence in the couple's efforts to return to the Church and create a Catholic home.

"Allow yourself the space needed to be more objective about your relationship."
Pastoral leaders encourage cohabiting couples to separate until marriage (if possible), and to abstain from sexual contact until marriage.

SUGGESTIONS FOR A LASTING MARRIAGE

Consider not living together at all before marriage.
There is no evidence that if you cohabit before marriage you will have a stronger marriage than those who don't. Some evidence suggests that if you live together before marriage you are more likely to break up after marriage. Recent statistics reveal that couples who lived together before marriage have a 50% higher divorce rate than couples who did not.

Limit cohabitation to the shortest possible period of time.
The longer you live together with a partner, the more likely it is that the low-commitment ethic of cohabitation will take hold. This is the opposite of what is required for a successful marriage.

Do not cohabit if children are involved.
Cohabiting parents break up at a much higher rate than married parents, and the effects of breakup can be devastating and long lasting.

Also, children living in cohabiting unions are at a higher risk of sexual abuse and physical violence, including lethal violence than are children living with married parents.

(Source: THE NATIONAL MARRIAGE PROJECT, "Should We Live Together?" by David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, January, 1999.)